Science Of My Youth

In some of my youth I spent quite a bit of time experimenting in science.  Proving that a textbook experiment about compression of gasses was completely wrong and confirming it with a live demonstration only fuelled my search for more experiments.  No science book in the libraries within tem miles were left unreal, including the entire Collier’s and Britannica Encyclopedia.

Some experiments did not work quite well.  Attempting to restart a frog’s heart with a battery after successfully making its leg twitch had a less-than-successful result.  I had neglected to replace the embalming fluid with fresh frog’s blood.

Attempts at making nitroglycerine resulted in a weird oily mess.  The ammonium iodide experiment was successful.  Painting the bottoms of the school’s light switches before we left school resulted in a sharp cap-like micro explosion and left a stinging dot of iodine on the teachers’ fingers when they opened the classrooms the next morning.

If today’s stupid no-tolerance policies were in place 43 years ago, I would be writing this from a cell in Supermax after being convicted of terroristic actions.  (I doubt any teachers still have a phobia about turning on light switches after all these years; no harm, no foul.)  Remember, Obama’s administration relaxed the rules for Osamas-like terrorists recently regarding communication with the outside world, so I would be able to influence our more astute science and political science students.

Then later in life (but still in my late 20’s or early 30’s came the rumor that green M&M’s would affect the human body with seemingly super-human strength and endurance beyond the particular matters of biology that youthful hormones excite.  (How was that for protecting the rug-rats from getting too early of an education?  They will get it soon enough from their peers.)

I spend a lot of money buying lots of M&M’s and eating all but the green ones and putting them into a big jar.  I flooded the jar with nitrogen to prevent spoilage.  It took the better part of a year to get a sufficient quantity of green M&M’s.

Being married at the time, I started consuming quantities of Green M&M’s.  Sadly I report that my wife did not notice any of the super-human strengths and endurances “beyond the particular matters of biology that youthful hormones excite”.

Many years later (now, this second of August, 2009 AD) I have found out that I was trying the wrong color M&M to search for medical miracle potions.  Unfortunately, the blue M&M’s were not introduced at that time.

I know what you are thinking, but you are wrong!  That blue pill was introduced several years ago.  I’m talking about something that will improve a married couple’s life much more immensely than those pills.

I know that most of you are waiting with baited breath, (maybe that is not such a romantic thing having breath that smells like bait) or should I say sweetened warm breath, for this new medicine.

I seems like the blue M&M’s might cure headaches!  The TimesOnline published an article in their Science Central section on “Why blue M&M’s could help relieve your migraine.”

I have the perfect romantic after dinner icebreaker: “Honey, just have a handful of these M&M’s after dinner to cleanse your pallet.”  Just make sure you have a tin of blue M&M’s already prepared and are well rested.